A subject/topic that has been coming up for me quite a lot the past few months is what direction I want to go in and what goals I want to set and achieve. Throughout life I haven’t been someone who has big plans. I’ve always taken opportunities that are presented to me and taken each day, week, and month as it comes. This has served me well during the past 12 months as my health was ever-changing and unpredictable, some days I’ve lived minute-by-minute. Although I’m not ‘cured’ I’m at a point where I’m ready to move forward and decide what comes next for me. Only, I feel as though I’m at a standstill. I feel like I should want more, but I have no idea what that looks like.

I’m content with my life, I’ve found peace with my diagnosis and that there have been things I’ve had to let go of. Some forever, some just for now. But there’s still something missing and today I realised that thing is purpose. What is my purpose? Why am I here? What lights me up? All questions I could confidently answer only a few years ago. But the past few years have shaped me into a completely different person, and I feel as though these things have shifted but I don’t have the answers and confidence I had before.

Maybe that in itself is the answer. My current purpose is to explore who I am now, to heal both physically and mentally, and to express myself through creative and spiritual practices I haven’t always made time for in the past. But still, I feel as though something is missing. I’m not sure if it’s the pressure of a world that insists, we must always be doing, achieving, and attaining, or if it’s a deeper calling I just haven’t worked out yet.

I confess, I began writing this post hoping my words would reveal what I’m searching for. Writing has always been a gateway to my soul and has delivered me many revelations in the past. ‘Ah ha’ moments that have led me down a path of self-discovery and realisation. So, I’d hoped writing this would give me a solid answer as to what my next steps should be and what I truly want. But, all it has reiterated is that whatever is waiting around the corner for me isn’t ready yet. In this moment, I need to reset, ground myself, tune into my intuition and guides, and trust that when the timing is right, I’ll know.

It’s not always easy to trust in fate, guides, angels, or gods, whatever your beliefs may be. Part of ourselves, perhaps our ego self, wants to feel as though it has some form of control over what’s happening in our lives. The unknown can be scary, but I’m going to turn that fear into excitement and curiosity. Perhaps my writing has revealed my current purpose/truth after all.