I haven’t posted in a while and when I sat down just now to ask myself what was holding me back from writing, I realised I’ve put myself in a kind of limbo. I made the difficult decision to leave my job as a youth worker almost two weeks ago now, and so far, doctors don’t have any real answers for me about what’s happening with my body. I’m waiting to find out more when I see a neurologist in January.

That’s it though, I’m just waiting. And I thought that because nothing was happening in my life other than everyday family stuff, appointments, and the occasional visit from friends, that meant I had nothing to share. But, upon honest reflection with myself I’ve come to the conclusion that although I can’t do all of the activities I used to, I still have my voice. My brain might work a little slower at the moment, but words have always been my outlet, so why was I holding back?

I sat with that for a moment and then it came to me… Fear. Fear that what I have to say isn’t important or interesting enough to share. Fear that I’ll embarrass myself or look stupid. Fear that if I let myself be vulnerable and let people see the real me, the parts of me I’ve kept quiet for so long, that I’m opening myself to rejection and pain. Fear that I’ll fail.

With this realisation, I reflected on all of the times these fears have stopped me from speaking my truth, stepping into my own power, and becoming the version of me I am inside but not always to the world. Too many times I’ve held myself back from opportunities, friendships, and experiences because of these fears. Isn’t it silly that by trying not to be hurt by others, I’m actually hurting myself? I’m dulling my light in case other don’t want me to shine. I’ve spent much of this sickness trying to make those around me feel comfortable with how I am. Smiling and laughing through the pain, comforting and reassuring them when my body is spasming or my legs refuse to walk. It can’t just be me who has these fears or tries to make everyone feel better even though they’re going through a hard time.

If you’re living life like I am then it’s time for us to stop! If you need to, repeat the next paragraph aloud to yourself. I’ll be saying each word with you.
“From today, I will stop dulling my light and let my soul, my words, and my truth shine through. Some people may not like it, and I’m okay with that. My beliefs, thoughts and opinions aren’t for everyone but they’re mine.”

Now, after all of this self-reflection and reading back over my many words it seems silly that I thought I had nothing to say. There’s actually a lot I have to share and offer and I’m incredibly grateful to have Rebel Soul as an outlet for sharing my words and to have you to read them. No more limbo. No more holding back. I will write my truth and stop doubting myself.

Love and light,

Linda x