I’ve gone back and forth in my mind a thousand times trying to decide if this was a good idea. Sharing my thoughts and feelings has never been an easy thing for me to do. It means being vulnerable. It means letting people in. It means once something is said and read, there’s no way of stuffing it back away. So, here I am taking a leap of faith, ready to tell some of my recent story and tapping back into something I love and that has helped me through some of the toughest times of my life, writing. So, I ask that you be gentle and compassionate as you read my thoughts, stories, and experiences. Let’s do this…

Sixteen weeks ago my life changed in a way I could never have imagined, and what I thought at first was a pulled muscle from a bad round of asthma, has turned into weeks of chronic full body pain and fatigue unlike anything I’ve felt before. Each test, scan, and appointment has come back saying they can’t find anything wrong, yet there are days I find it hard to walk, my left arm is in so much pain I can’t use it, my brain stops in the middle of speaking leaving me wordless mid sentence, and new aches and pains show up all over my body every day.

I had to cancel the women’s circles I’d planned, stop taking reiki clients, and I’ve had many days off work. Then I started being unable to do the things that have always helped me through bouts of depression and anxiety, painting, drawing, playing guitar, going for a walk, dancing, even reading and writing fiction. All of my days away from work have been used to rest and recover in the hope I can get through every hour of the next week.

It hasn’t been easy. I’ve had some really low lows, and times when I’ve wondered when it will end and how much longer I can do this for. I’ve felt guilt over letting so many people down, my husband, my two kids, friends, family, participants at work, my co-workers, and my manager, those readers who enjoyed my books, and the women who attended my circles and reiki sessions. I’ve had to learn to be okay with saying no and cancelling, two things I have a history of not being great at.

But, this has also been an opportunity to self-reflect, self-assess, and realise things about myself I’m not sure I would have if my body didn’t force me to stop. I learned that I had a core belief that when I’m not of service to others I’m invisible. I learned that I do so much for others and support others, but not everyone is willing to do the same for me. I’ve learned that I take on so much, and keep myself busy when sometimes what my body, mind, and spirit needs is rest and kindness. It’s like every one of my vulnerabilities and insecurities are showing themselves to me and I can either fight them and try to stuff them back down and ignore them, or recognise each one as it arises, accept it for what it is, identify where it’s come from and how it has made me feel safe in the past, and let go of those that no longer serve me.

Easy right? Not exactly. I battle my own mind, learned behaviours, and resistance to letting people see me vulnerable, every single day. But I’m trying. I’m working on it. I’m telling people I’m not okay when I’ve had a bad day. I’ve learned who my ‘safe’ people are, those that support me and want to be there for me. The people who listen when I need to talk and vent. I’m using gratitude every day to remind myself of the amazing things and people I have in my life even if some days it’s hard to find those things and all I can think of is that I’m grateful I have air to breathe. I’ve learned to have empathy for myself (I’ve always had it for others so why not for me too?). I allow myself to feel what I’m feeling in the moment, crying when I need to, yelling at the stars when I’m angry and overwhelmed, being okay with not always being okay. Mindfulness has been helping me stay grounded and, in the moment, helping me stop overthinking and catastrophizing. Like I said, it’s not easy, there are times I let unhelpful thoughts creep in, it takes practice. But, I will continue to practice and use the tools I have so I can get through this period of change.

My hope is that by sharing my thoughts, stories, and experiences I can work through this period in my life doing something that has always cleared my mind and brought me joy, writing. No one might ever read this, but to have a space to write and express myself is important to me and I’m not going to hide away anymore. If you have read this, and you’ve made it all the way to the end, please feel free to send me any questions or topics you’d like me to write about. It can be around youth work, reiki, empowering women and youth, and writing stories and I will write a post about it.

If you have made it all the way to the end of this post, thank you for taking the time out of your day to read my story. Today I’m grateful I’m able to find the courage to write this post, for the gifts and abilities I have received and learned throughout my life, and for the people who have supported me.

Linda